I am in back-to-back birthday party hell mode this month. It seems all my friends that are really close to me are having birthday parties for their little ones that are in the same age range as PD1 and PD2. It is one of those things that you know you need to do to be a good friend and to encourage your kids to enjoy. Let’s be honest here, if all you parents sit down and truly assess the whole “other” kid birthday parties, you would have to agree most of you would rather watch paint dry, have hemorrhoid surgery or endure physical therapy (that’s for you, Idiot) than have to sit through a weekend afternoon with the results of other people’s bad parenting mistakes kids. This is the inspiration to my Top Ten Tuesday!
10. You get the invitation for a 3-year-old birthday party that says “NO GIFTS” or “Only Educational Toys Please”. Seriously, it is a kid’s birthday party! If I have to go to it at least let me go pick out the most cool but annoyingly loud and obnoxious toy and relish in the fact that it is not at my house. And really, aren’t all toys educational? Heck even “adult toys” have some level of educational value to them!
9. The party starts right smack in the middle of nap time hours. Oh joy! Nothing excites me more that sleep deprived toddlers hopped up on sugar!
8. No booze. OK, I get it is for the kids, but if it is a party that requires me to have to schlep two kids, by myself, and all the swag that goes along with it, then go sit and watch the organized chaos, or not, for two hours, shouldn’t I be at least rewarded with a glass of wine or cocktail? Again, it all goes back to booze makes everything better.
7. Gift Bags. I get that is nice to have a little parting prize for the kiddos but do we have to try to reenact the Oscar’s after-party swag bags? A sandbox bucket, a thing of bubbles and a sticker is more than enough! Even though the gesture is nice, the toddler did not need a cruise on Carnival along with the bucket and few sand toys.
6. Games. Having small children try to play musical chairs is a lot like trying to herd cats. Again, I have a lot more patience for that, with a cocktail in my hand!
5. Cake. Now, I love cake! I love to make cakes! At this age cupcakes are the way to go. Nothing is harder to manage than a piece of cake for two small children. At least with a cupcake, it is a finger food and can be manhandled and tolerate the mutilation a small child can bring upon the situation. Clean up is still bad, just not as nearly as bad.
4. Rain. NOTHING is worse than being cooped up in a house with ten small children and their parents all hopped up on sugar, not napped and stir crazy. Again, where is my cocktail?
3. No Bounce House/Jolly Jump. Pulling up to a party, nothing is more relieving for me to see than a Bounce House/Jolly Jump. I actually get some mingle time and the kids will sleep like champs that night! Oh, bless the creator of the Bounce House/Jolly Jump.
2. No Opening of the Presents. What? That is the best part! Sure it makes the kids a bit antsy and some may feel left out, but IT IS NOT THEIR BIRTHDAY! This is the first lesson on self-control and being happy on the outside even though you are green with envy on the inside and want to kick that kid’s ass for getting cooler toys than you have. I love seeing the expression of the kid as he/she opens the gift we took all the time and effort to get, wrap and drag to the party. I have also noticed it brings a very early stage of joy to PD2 to see that her little buddy liked what she got them. Maybe I am a freak, but I love giving more than receiving! Get you minds out of the gutters, this a post about kid birthday parties!
1. Other People’s Kids. Need I say more?
Hallelujah! Reading this made me want to go get a cocktail! Your #1 hits it on the head. I LOVE my kids….. but other peoples monsters…..not so much! 🙂 Bring on the booze! 🙂
You would love my kiddos. . . with the right amount of booze that is:-)
Love your list! (#10) – my youngest received an invitation to a birthday when he was four that said “no gifts” and I was tempted to smack the parent with the invitation and ask WTF?
(#8) all children’s birthday parties should come with an open bar and shuttle service, period! (#2) If your kid can’t handle another kid opening his/her birthday presents, you’ve got more problems than just writing your acceptance speech for your gift bag!
Well said Pie!
TPL: Now that last statement had me on the floor! 🙂
I don’t like other people’s kids either. Birthday parties are only fun once your child is old enough to wipe his own ass- until then, I try and keep it a one kid affair!
LOJ: That means we got two more years for that huh:-)
I don’t bother to make friends with people who do #8. It’s a deal breaker for me. If you throw a party with #8, that mean you and I will forever be on “cordial” terms.
FL: We will always be at least “corial” friends then! 🙂
!. Should I ever procreate, I shall aspire towards your style of motherhood. Booze indeed, makes everything better.
2. What else happens at a child’s birthday party besides cake and presents? There are parents who exclude the presents/present opening experience?
I’d say that particular little rite of passage shaped who I am today. Boyfriends past would agree, I’m sure.
3. I never thought about this before, but you’ve just opened my eyes to the seedy underbelly of gift bags. I assume the competition gets thick. I imagine mothers huddled around a cake muttering things like:
“did you see the giftbags this year?”
“Well it’s better than Jimmy Nelson’s ’09 fiasco’
“Well I’ve already planned Julie’s for this spring. I’m basing it on London’s Fashion week”
In short Pie, I heart your blog. 🙂
First off, thank you Wandering Menace and I too heart your blog.
2. Parents size each other up on parenting skills and then gossip about their assessments later. Meanwhile their kids are running around like crazed, sugar staved monkeys. And yes, there is a whole culture of parent that does not allow the present thing to happen because the other kids may fell bad.
3. As for this, you have NO IDEA how you just tapped into the reality of the gift bag craze! It pretty much goes down exactly how you stated.
I bet you can’t wait to get spawn now huh? Look what you are missing out on! 🙂
I think I want to get a bounce house for my 30th birthday….
That is one of the many perks to having spawn! I think I love the bounce house more than they do! 🙂
Then there is the obligatory reciprocity. My daughter must spend half her life giving or attending birthday parties. I have a suggestion. Get all the mommies and kiddies(father gets no attendance pass) together just once a year for everyone’s birthday like we did this month for Presidents’ Day. Problem solved.
Oh, Carl, your idea would make you a very popular person in my life! Let’s get THAT party idea started immediately!
Umm…. I am the mom that did not allow presents.
On the invitations I would write: Your gift is your presence.
I was given a mountain of grief over it. After a few years of abuse from my buddies, I finally just did a book swap. Every kid brought a gift wrapped book & every kid left with a different wrapped book. We offered no goodie bag at all. Several kids told me, to my face, that this was unacceptable.
If I had little ones again, I STILL would not want them to get gifts at their parties, they get enough cr*p from all the relatives! The last thing I needed was 30 new toys: I would have needed an addition on the house to accommodate them all!!!
PS
Throwing a kids party is far worse than attending one!!!
Amen to your closing Express Mom! I can see your point of view – I am a gift giver, so it is very hard for me to go to anything empty handed. I acutally love the book swap idea. And not offering a goodie bag! LOVE IT! Did you tell the parent that they needed to wash their kid’s rude mouth out with “acceptable” soap?! 🙂
really funny. enjoyed thoroughly. say no more.
Thank you very much for the feedback!
Now it is when parents tell me that they are ‘organising’ parties for their children and ALL the friends that I (a teacher) take a wicked pleasure from knowing that they will finally understand what it’s like to have over 25 children running wild. Hahaha.
Children and sugar: That does not mix well.
Jamie
Oh you wicked person! Taking joy in watching those parents getting ready to step off the ledge in sugar high land. Oh you are so wicked and I love it!
Trust me-after 10 years in the classroom it’s more than ok to take little joy from watching the parents walk to their doom. Hehe.
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