Top Ten Reasons Why Mankind is Becoming More Like Troglodytes the Smarter the Technology Gets!

We are in a world of Wi-fi, smart phones, DVR machines, Google, Facebook, Twitter, GPS, and even cars that can turn on by simply pushing a button.  Heck, my Miele double ovens have more features than the average mid-sized sedan.  In all of this advancement in technology there is one part of the equation that is not meeting its demands – the human race.  We seem to be reverting backwards in society where the only thing we have to show for the progression of technology are sore thumbs and more opportunities to morph into troglodytes.  This is the inspiration of my Top Ten Tuesdays:

http://visualrian.com/images/item/315389

10:  No one can spell anymore.  Yes, and I have to say I too, have thrown that whole notion out of the window.  Why would I ever continue to waste my time in learning to spell when  my smart phone not only checks my spelling but actually anticipates correctly the word I want to use with only two characters entered?

9. What would we do without  GOOGLE:  Why would anyone ever go to the library to do research and used the Dewey Decimal System when you can stay at home in you skivvies and drink booze while doing your reasearch?  All you have to do is type in your misspelled search words and Google will spit out nine million options on that subject AND most of all supply a healthy amount of porn to go along with it.  All the Dewey Decimal System did for me in college was add five extra hours to my time spent in the friggin’ libary with no “happy endings”. 

8. Blue Hairs.  This generation is just a lost cause.  They are still trying to figure out the  “Clap On” light switch and the thought of trying get them to hop on the world-wide web-internet highway without stalling out and having “fatal” error messages appear all over their computer screen is almost impossible.

7.  Customer service is no longer an instant service.  Yes, you know what I am talking about.  You call and you get a computer answering service that asks you to speak certain things, yet never understands what you are saying.  All you get out of the call is, “Sorry I did not get that, please try again.”  Which sadly ends in, “Sorry, we cannot understand your request, please hang up and try your call again.”  By this time you are throwing your phone across the room crusing up a storm and now you not only do not have the information you needed, but you have to go to the store and replace a phone to go through the same thing again.  

6.  No one can write with a pen or pencil.  Pretty soon babies are going to be born with hands and fingers in “text ready” position. It is already stating, all that most people can do is sign their name on the dotted line. 

5. Mail a letter? What is a Stamp? Isn’t that what email is for?  Who needs to know how to lick a stamp, let alone know even what a stamp is when all you have to do is send an email.  Right now I can tell  you that the mail I get on a daily basis is only advertisements and a few bills.  On the slim chance there is a card or letter in the mail from a friend of family member, I see the beam from heaven shining down on my little mail box and as I open it, I hear Handel’s Messiah!

4. Never leave home for it.  Who needs to knock the stank off,  get dressed, put on the war paint and drive to a store and interact with humanity to get items needed when with just one click of the mouse, you have your hearts’ desire with free shipping.  You can even have your groceries dropped off at your door. 

3.   Twittering and Tweeting are not longer just for the birds.  There was a time when all the tweeting you heard was the cute little robin or sparrow sitting outside your window.  Now all you get is the annoying chirp of your smart phone letting you know someone just tweeted.

2.  Who needs doctors when there is the internet?  It seems that thanks to modern technology and the internet, those that spent sleepless nights serving their medical residencies, are now being replaced by some blogger that is probably living his mother’s basement high on bad weed and is now your “authority” on the rash that you currently have.  Sure he may have a rash, but it is due to the combination of bad weed and not moving from his computer screen for  three days.

1. Diarrhea of the Facebook and Twitter:  I will admit, I enjoy getting updates and pictures posted to my Facebook account to stay connected with many of my inner and outer circle.  HOWEVER, I  did not need to know that you are checking in and out of the grocery store, the gym, Bed, Bath and Beyond, the proctologist, the local “dispensary”  and now the bathroom.   I also love those that have no sense of self edit or restraint of their virtual pie holes and accidentally post something catty about somebody on the wall of the person they are being catty about. Or better yet, just post something horribly embarrassing to their character of what a total tool they are.   It is amusing to watch that fire storms brew when that happens.  You can pretty much tell who will NOT be coming to the next Holiday dinner in certain families.

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Top Ten Reasons Kid Birthday Parties Are Not My Favorite Weekend Plans

I am in back-to-back birthday party hell mode this month.  It seems all my friends that are really close to me are having birthday parties for their little ones that are in the same age range as PD1 and PD2.   It is one of those things that you know you need to do to be a good friend and to encourage your kids to enjoy.  Let’s be honest here, if  all you parents sit down and truly assess the whole “other” kid birthday parties, you would have to agree most of you would rather watch paint dry, have hemorrhoid surgery or endure physical therapy (that’s for you, Idiot) than have to sit through a weekend afternoon with the results of other people’s bad parenting mistakes kids.  This is the inspiration to my Top Ten Tuesday!

10.  You get the invitation for a 3-year-old birthday party that says “NO GIFTS” or “Only Educational Toys Please”.  Seriously, it is a kid’s birthday party!  If I have to go to it at least let me go pick out the most cool but  annoyingly loud and obnoxious toy and relish in the fact that it is not at my house.  And really, aren’t all toys educational?  Heck even “adult toys” have some level of educational value to them!

9.  The party starts right smack in the middle of nap time hours.  Oh joy! Nothing excites me more that sleep deprived toddlers hopped up on sugar! 

8.  No booze.  OK, I get it is for the kids, but if it is a party that requires me to have to schlep two kids, by myself, and all the swag that goes along with it, then go sit and watch the organized chaos, or not, for two hours, shouldn’t I be at least rewarded with a glass of wine or cocktail?  Again, it all goes back to booze makes everything better.

7. Gift Bags.  I get that is nice to have a little parting prize for the kiddos but do we have to try to reenact the Oscar’s after-party swag bags?  A sandbox bucket, a thing of bubbles and a sticker is more than enough!  Even though the gesture is nice, the toddler did not need a cruise on Carnival along with the bucket and few sand toys.

6.  Games.  Having small children try to play musical chairs is a lot like trying to herd cats. Again, I have a lot more patience for that, with a cocktail in my hand! 

5. Cake.  Now, I love cake!  I love to make cakes!  At this age cupcakes are the way to go.  Nothing is harder to manage than a piece of cake for two small children.  At least with a cupcake, it is a finger food and can be manhandled and tolerate the mutilation a small child can bring upon the situation.  Clean up is still bad, just not as nearly as bad.

4.  Rain.  NOTHING is worse than being cooped up in a house with ten small children and their parents all hopped up on sugar, not napped and stir crazy.  Again, where is my cocktail?

3. No Bounce House/Jolly Jump.  Pulling up to a party, nothing is more relieving for me to see  than a Bounce House/Jolly Jump.  I actually get some mingle time and the kids will sleep like champs that night!  Oh, bless the creator of the Bounce House/Jolly Jump.

2. No Opening of the Presents.  What?  That is the best part!  Sure it makes the kids a bit antsy and some may feel left out, but IT IS NOT THEIR BIRTHDAY!  This is the first lesson on self-control and being happy on the outside even though you are green with envy on the inside and want to kick that kid’s ass for getting cooler toys than you have.  I love seeing the expression of the kid as he/she opens the gift we took all the time and effort to get, wrap and drag to the party.  I have also noticed it brings a very early stage of  joy to PD2 to see that her little buddy liked what she got them. Maybe I am a freak, but I love giving more than receiving! Get you minds out of the gutters, this a post about kid birthday parties!

1. Other People’s Kids.  Need I say more?

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Top Ten Reasons I Could Never Be A ‘Granola’ Mom

I  have fundamentals in education (play-based education/Montessori) that tend to somewhat line up with a whole other species of motherhood I can’t relate with – The Granola Mom. 

 I would say that I am a  practical and moderately conservative person in most areas; fiscally, morally, within my scope of  child rearing, and attire and home decor ( I tend to stay true to the classics and not be trendy).  I let my sense of humor and sarcasm take lead in most things and try not to be too ridgid.

I can find my same species of motherhood in this arena, but for some reason the only granola that I can stomach is the one I eat for breakfast.  I try to keep an open mind when I hear their philosophies and ideas (I have a few close friends that fall in this category), but with no avail, I just don’t get it.   This is the inspiration of Top Ten Tuesdays and is not meaning to bring offence to anyone. It is just my personal satire and opinion and if you don’t like what I am saying, then don’t read it.  🙂

10.  The Family Bed: So not my cup of tea.  I don’t mind the occasional snuggle time, but I like my peaceful sleep AND my adult extra curricular time without a foot in my back.

9.  Positive Time Outs:  What is that?  A time out should be anything but positive.  Sit your butt down, think about how you just hit your sister over the head with a toy and be lucky that all you are getting is a time out!

8.  Never Say No to Your Child, Use Positive Reinforcements:  Really, that is going to set them up for success for adulthood? I have heard NO more times than I would like. “NO, you don’t make enough money to buy the car of your dreams”.  “No, you can’t drive above the speed limit, and here is your $150 ticket.”   “NO, you did not get the promotion.”  “NO, he does not want to date you anymore.”

 7.  Never Letting Your Kids Cry It Out/Self Sooth: I have a friend that has not slept in four-year because of this theory of creating abandonment issues if they let them cry it out.  I see how that is working out for the kids and her; she is a zombie and the kids have anxiety issues.  I have two kids that sleep through the night and can entertain themselves well.  Trust me, it is not that I am just “lucky”.  I had to pay the price of a few hard nights and days getting to that point.  NO ONE LIKES TO HEAR THEIR KIDS CRY, but it is my goal to prepare them to be independent and thriving adults and teaching them self soothing skills are the first steps.

6. Mobi Wraps or Slings for Carrying Your Infant: I could never use a Mobi wrap, even though I think they are really cool.  I know I would have dropped my kids on their heads multiple times.  Now, I do think when the kid is ready for High School it is time to get them out of the sling and buy them a car. Trust me, I have seen that.

5. Breastfeeding with No Discretion:  Just whipping it out in public regardless of the setting just because it is your God-given right to do so is disturbing to me.  I am a HUGE advocate of breastfeeding, but let us use a little discretion please! We are not at Marty Gras and you will not get any beads thrown your way for doing so.  Keep second base a novelty!

4. Planting Your Placenta Under A Tree:  Believe it or not I know three people who have done this.   I get the whole primitive idea of this, but the last I checked we have babies in the hospital, we have doctor’s for fertility issues and the idea of asking your doctor to place your placenta in a plastic bucket and then carrying it out of the hospital along with your new bundle of joy is beyond bazaar to me.   I have no idea what they did with my placentas and I would like to keep it that way.  It was bad enough to have the hubs try to photograph my uterus as the doctor was sewing it up.  There are just part of my insides that just needs to stay between it and the medical professionals.

3.  Nine Page Birth Plans:  This one kills me.  As you all know from my postings, The Start of Soapbox Sundays, you know where I stand on this.  I once heard a Labor and Delivery RN say,  “When someone comes in with a nine page birth plan, that usually means they will get a one-way ticket to the OR for an emergency C-section. That is just how the karma seems to work. It is child-birth,  not a trying to achieve a business plan!” 

2.  Breast feeding a Toddler:   I had a rule that when the kids got teeth  the bar was closed and then I pumped until they were close to 12 months old.  Watching  a mother lift up her shirt for a child that walked up to the ‘bar’ and asked for a drink is very disturbing to me.  I have made an observation that it seems more boys are breast-fed later than girls.   I remember when I was in the dating pool, there was a saying, “Chici Boy” which in Spanish essentially means, still on the boob.  Now I get where that saying originated.

1. Not Vaccinating Your Kids:  As we all know Dr. Wakefield manipulated data to prove his theory that certain vaccinations caused autism.  Believe it or not, even with that evidence coming out there are still many that will not vaccinate their kids and illnesses that were once eradicated are alive and well.  Here is the question I asked myself when making that decision to vaccinate before the findings of the information was considered a fraud.  Would I rather risk a chance of autism or a chance of death? To me the answer was quite obvious.

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Top Ten Reasons Parking Lots Can Be More Costly and Dangerous than Climbing Everest!

I live in a community that is filled with stay-at-home moms and blue hairs.  That combination together makes for a very “narcissistic” experience anytime you go out.   Each Friday the kids and I head out to our favorite shopping experience (Trader Joe’s) but getting to and from the car can bring a level of extreme adventure to the table that could rival climbing Mount Everest in the risk and cost factor.  This is the inspiration to my Top Ten Tuesdays!

10.  When scouting out a parking spot, it is not acceptable behavior to pass by a soon-to-be available parking spot, throw on the brakes and then proceed to back up (without looking) ten spots to try to get it.  Look, you missed it, move along and give the poor schmuck behind you a opportunity to reap the rewards of your cluelessness while saving his and your bumper!

9.  I notice that blue hairs rarely ever look over their shoulder while backing out.  It is more like this; adjust review mirror, slam into reverse and hit the gas pedal.  Apparently, nothing exists beyond the scope of what is in view of the review mirror.

8.  It seems that those that are BMW owners think that the parking lot is the Autobahn.  If there is a speeding car in the parking lot, it is a BMW 99.9% of the time.  I know that the company once known for making airplanes, but that ship sailed decades ago.  You are not in an airplane ready for take off, you are in a car in a parking lot full of all kinds of obstacles, mainly me and my two small children trying to push a cart to our car.

7.  When you open your door, please be mindful of the GIANT car within 2 feet of yours.  Having your red paint scraped across my door panel just pisses me off!

6.  Mothers, when loading up your groceries, please secure your small children first.  Allowing your children to play chicken with the BMW is not going to fare well for either party.  Do you know how much BMW parts cost to replace?

5. Those that keep Cujo in the car as they run errands.  Nothing is more frightening than while getting out of your car a dog in the car next to you jumps up out of nowhere and is able to stick their head through the crack and snaps at you. Don’t make me have to use my pepper spray on the beast!

4.  Those that leave unruly children in the car, because they would be hellions in the store is not working for you either.  Yes, they are secure in the car, but jumping up and down in the driver’s seat and manhandling all the controls is a recipe for disaster.  Risk them knocking down a few display items than taking out 5 parked cars, a little old lady and her purse dog, and a parking lot light post. Trust me your parenting style will be judged about the same with less damage.  Better yet leave them at home and risk them burning down your house.  At least it would limit it to YOUR stuff being damaged.

3.  When looking for a parking spot please multi task and watch for pedestrians! 

2. When you know someone is waiting ever so patiently for your spot as you load, please  don’t decide you can shift into tortoise mode just to be a PITA.  I saw you zipping across the parking lot and loading up your bags with a purpose before you saw that someone is waiting for you to leave.  Trust me your display of new-found power is just making you look like a Jack-a-lope!

1.  PUT YOUR CART AWAY!  It is beyond me why people have issues with this concept, because they would be the first to have a fit if someone’s abandoned cart plowed into the side of their car or into their tail light.  This is not only the top of this top ten, but this is my biggest pet peeve.  If I can put a cart away with two small children, anyone can!

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Top Ten Reasons NOT to Go to the Mall This Week!

‘Tis the season for heading off to the mall and embracing it for all its glory.  My Christmas shopping is pretty much done, however, I headed off to the mall for a personal reason; to buy the beloved popcorn maker that was on sale at Williams – Sonoma I have been drooling over for the past month! Another outing this holiday season that is the inspiration for the Top Ten Tuesday!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Photo from Kyle Dahl

10.  The parking lot situation is less than desirable, especially in a torrential down pour.

9.  There is a Salvation Army Santa at every corner ringing that friggin’ bell.  I don’t know what is worse the ringing in my head hours past the visit to the mall or the guilt I have every time I walk by one of them and not put some coin in the bucket.

8.  The way Macy’s places displays in the middle of the aisles making it pretty much a crap shoot to get through with a stroller ( I have a narrow incline double stroller; it is as wide as single stroller), trying to keep your kid’s paws off the merchandise as you are cautiously maneuvering them around them, or better yet trying not to run over people at the MAC or Clinique counters.  Oh, the looks I got yesterday when I asked people to “excuse me”.   “Seriously, lady?  What other options do I have?  Risk running over your foot or knocking down the 8-foot display of perfume gift sets.  Let me tell you, if you don’t move your foot, it will get run over and you can go file a claim with Macy’s for their inconvenient strategic display of merchandise!”

7.  The people on cell phones or texting while walking around, totally clueless of their surroundings.  This is such a blood boiler for me.  That is why the mall has benches and seating areas.  If you wish to turn the mall into your personal social network office, then pull over and sit the friggin’ down and twitter and Facebook that you are doing your Christmas shopping and the mall is a nightmare.  NEWS FLASH: YOU ARE ONE OF THE REASONS THE MALL IS A FRIGGIN’ NIGHTMARE!”

6. When needing to get on to the elevator and the people unloading decide to stop and block the doors for those trying to get on while they are discussing where they want to go to lunch or their next shopping destination.  I have a stroller to push onto the elevator and if my kids gets clocked by the doors closing on them because you screwed around discussing if you want to go to Cheesecake Factory or just the Food Court, I am going to run you over with my loaded stroller.  PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE!

5.  The kiosks in the middle of the mall.  If I wanted to buy cheap Chinese crap from people who look like they are one day out of a state prison or a halfway house I would go to Wal-Mart.

4.  The line to Starbucks.  Since the mall does not sell booze, which I think would make the whole experience much better or at least tolerable (Marty Gras is a mob infested nightmare, you don’t realize it because all are intoxicated), caffeine and sugar are the next best thing.  Having to wait for that in a line that rivals the line for Santa is  beyond me!

3.  Other people’s kids.  Letting them run around like wild banchies is just something I will never get.  The world is not every kid’s play ground.  

2. Standing in line waiting to purchase your goods and having to hear a woman on her cell phone yelling at her mother that she is an enabler and all her 9 year-old son wants for Christmas is that his uncles get off the hooch and meth.  Now, this did make me fill a little better about my Christmas family situation.  At least there will be no tweakers at my table this year!

Photo from Kyle Dahl

1.  When you see that there is people standing shoulder-to-shoulder on the first and second floor of the food court that may be a sign that a major tragedy is in the forecast and it is time to un-ass the area.   Nothing would make it a holiday to remember by having the second floor collapse while waiting to hear Handel’s Messiah in a Random Act of Culture moment.  Go home and play the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and enjoy your festive egg nog and avoid the Random Act of Culture turned breaking news nightmare.

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Top Ten Things You DO NOT Do While Looking at Christmas Lights!

http://shining-garnet.xanga.com/717406764/christmas-decorations/

 

A quick order of housekeeping.  Today I have been on double duty for Top Ten Tuesdays and  was also  featured on the recently Freshly Pressed blog of  The Life of Jamie as her guest blogger! Thank you Jamie, it was fun!

In almost every town in America there are certain neighborhoods that ban together and go all out decorating their houses for Christmas.  They are a festive bunch that are willing to invite all of the public into their neat and tidy cul-de-sac streets and manicured sidewalks.  They even make sure they park in their garages so there are no cars on the street for optimum Christmas light viewing.  Their kids pass out home-made cookies and hot coco and there are even little bins where you can dump your expired canned goods to go towards the homeless.  Yes, it is a bit of Mulberry in the new millennium.  But like anything wonderful and soulful, there has to be a group of jack-a-lopes that have to go and ruin the fun. 

Yes, I am going to bombard everyone with my 12-days of Christmas crap inspired moments well into the New Year!  This moment inspired me enough to make it part of my Top Ten Tuesdays! 

10:  If you decide to bring your dog please clean up after it.  Nothing spreads the smell of holiday cheer than dog poo on the bottom of your shoe which transfers into the car!

9.  If you have kids that must wear roller skates, ride a scooter/skate board or even a bike make them risk it in the middle of the street with the drivers not paying attention to their driving and more to the Whoville exhibit.  I would much rather them get hit from behind than me or my small children.

8.  If you are driving to the area and wish to park and walk the neighborhood, please pay attention to where you friggin’ park.  Seriously? Parking right in front of the house with the Charlie Brown Christmas exhibit works for you?  At least you could pull up six feet and not be blocking Snoopy and the Woodstock!  Really, I saw a whole family in a mini-van do this two nights ago.

7.  If you are going to partake of the goodies supplied by the local kids, give them a buck and pack out your trash!

6.  Don’t allow your kids to play tag in the sea of cool inflatable Christmas characters.  Someone is going to trip over the tie downs and get hurt and somehow it becomes the owner of the house fault.  Again, another true story only in Southern California my friends.  Now you know why Gloria Allred is so successful!

5. Why does someone feel compelled that as long as it is dark outside that it is OK to wear jammies.  It is 6:30 pm, it is not even prime time TV time yet. This goes along with my whole thing with middle-aged women not wearing jammies in public.  

4. You are not cool cruising up and down the streets standing up through your sunroof texting!  What do you think this is? South Beach? Jersey Shore? The only thing that is out looking at Christmas lights are annoyed husbands, grumpy grandparents, screaming kids and frumpy housewives. 

3. Be mindful that there are others wanting to walk along the same sidewalk as you.  So stopping in the middle of the sidewalk while texting, attending to a needed item within your stroller or adjusting yourself is considered rude and it holds everyone hostage to your narcissism. 

2. If you chose to drive instead of walk, turn off your headlights, everyone’s retinas will thank you!

 1. Parents when you let your kids get hopped on Starbucks and then they are running a muck and smack into me or my small child, do not get testy with me when I “accidentally” push them into a bush to slow them down. “Opps, I guess little Timmy should have been more careful on where he was going!  That bush just came out of no where!”

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Top Ten Reasons Why Cyber Monday is Better than Black Friday!

Well, I am back, and Top Ten Tuesday’s will be kicked back into gear with one of my favorite holiday past times, Cyber Mondays!  Thanks to the Idiot, he was the inspiration of this post.  My experience was a polar opposite of his. There were no error messages or having to toss the computer around.  However, there was a ton of chain-smoking and caffeine involved!

Need I Say More?

Black Friday- Really People Enjoy This?Need I Say More?

                                                                                                                                               VS.

Nothing but a Zen Moment!

10.  No one has to get up after eating turkey the day prior at some ungodly hour (2 am) and have to load up on a huge amount to of caffeine to try to counter act the tryptophan effect!

9.  You are not having to stand obscenely close to strangers that smell funny.  Trust me, what Thanksgiving meals do to some people should never be relived, especially in a “boob to back line”!

8.  You get to stay home in the comfort of your jammies and look stupid doing it, but no one cares.  Seriously people! If you have time to put make up on, you have time to put some friggin’ normal clothes on! Jammies only look cute on 2 year olds, not middle-aged women.

7. The only risk of injury is carpel tunnel, not being trampled to death by an obsessive mob wanting the one of three dancing Mickey Mouse dolls, that will only drive you crazy after the first hour of the box being opened.

6. Coffee always tastes better at home.

5. I can be at my favorite ten stores at the same time!

4. I can yell at my kids with “Leave Mommy alone, go play!” and, ” Don’t bother me, Mommy is shopping right now!” without anyone giving me the evil eye of my bad parenting moment.

3. I don’t have to worry about the risk of my kiddos finding out  what “Santa” gets them. It comes to my door in a box and goes straight to the attic until Christmas Eve wrap-a-thone!

2. I am guaranteed not having to schlep all the gifts for out-of-town friends and family to the post office, stand in line for most of the holiday season and pay an enormous shipping fee.  With one click of the mouse that whole experience fades away and it is always free shipping!

1.  The only holiday season a–holes I have to deal with are the over exhausted, but very attractive UPS/FED EX drivers, which a plate of cookies and bottled water  remedies any ill feeling towards my address.

Happy holidays to all your fantastic blog buddies!

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Top Ten Reasons Why Mothers Should Be Exempt from Sickness

The  inspiration behind this Top Ten Tuesday was being haul up for 4-days with the first really bad flu/cold I have had in 3 years!

10.  Even though the hubs tries hard to be helpful, you know that when you surface you will have a mess to contend with.

9.    The laundry does not get done.

8.   The house does not get clean.

7.  Motherhood equals instant  immunity to NyQuil (seriously it no longer works for me and I check the expiration date!)

6.  If the kids are sick you are really screwed.

5.  The kids develop diaper rash since you can’t smell the deposit.

4.  Being hauled up in bed with a remote with a 102 degree fever, chills, sore throat and can’t breath is not my idea of rest. Who wants to watch TV when their head is about to explode and they think they are about to die?

3.  No one wants to come and help out for the fear of catching the plague too!

2.  Mommy’s can’t truly call in sick.

1.  It is just days away of the hubs showing signs and symptoms of him catching this and the world that we know it will be over!

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