A Brief Visit from an Old Nemesis

Last night I snuggled in and turned on the TV for my Sunday drool fest of watching Bill Paxton in Big Love.   About half-way through I found my stomach not feeling so hot.  I tried to ignore it and follow the plot, but it got stronger and stronger.  Dagnamit! I think I am getting what my two petri dishes had the latter part of the week! 

I finished the show and headed upstairs and went to bed.   I laid there negotiating with my new visitor, but old nemesis, Linda Blair who was sitting on my bed,  that since I had hyperemesis (extreme morning sickness) during both of my pregnancies for a combined 50 plus weeks that I paid my dues of having stomach ailments and that she needs to move along to another house, preferably to the a-hole that cut me off in the rain driving like a jackalope. 

She stayed and proceeded to move closer and closer to me.  I practiced meditating (that by the way is a total crock and don’t waste your time), breathed through the nausea and prayed that I was not going to be reliving the wonderful Sunday dinner I made that night. 

Now she is sitting on top of me, just like she did when I was pregnant!  I am sweating, the room is spinning and my stomach is on fire, but I am determined I am not going to toss my cookies.  That only pissed her off and now she has somehow managed to reach in and twist my insides and jump up and down on my stomach at the same time. ” Uncle! Uncle!”, I screamed as I sprinted to the bathroom and  . . . I don’t need to get that graphic, you all get what just happened. 

That whole scenario went on four more times until the around 4 am.  Finally Linda Blair lost interests in me and headed off to bother some other petri dish infected house or newly pregnant woman. 

I laid there exhausted and a little traumatized that I did this day in and day out 24-hours a day for weeks months on end and one of the pregnancies I was caring for an infant/toddler without help outside of the hubs that had to work everyday and leave me with that wretched Linda Blair, my IV bag and my infant who turned into a toddler while I was still going through it.  I found out this morning, the hubs laid there traumatized reliving our hell in his head too.

This morning when I woke up I had that same stomach flu nausea feeling that set the pace for each and every waking minute of my day while incubating my two kids. With two miscarriages with no symptoms of being pregnant, I knew both times with my two viable pregnancies that they were sticking by how sick I was.   I had a moment of confusion and can I say dispair, was I pregnant again?  That can’t be, I shut the plant down during the birth of PD2! 

Borrowed from blog buddy,Your Personal Super Hero!

I looked at the bottom of my bed and she was not there, Linda Blair that is.  Oh, thank God!  I am at the tail end of the stomach flu! I got up, got dressed and forced myself down stairs and started my day and even mopped my floors. 

I feel pretty crappy and my stomach is pretty unhappy, but hey, I not only survived Linda Blair last night, but I survived her for over a year and half of my life with both pregnancies combined.  Nothing could ever be that bad, so Linda Blair may of won last night, but she is not going to win today!

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Added Course to University of Grocery Cart Management

Please click twice on picture (image) to enlarge to view.

My dear blogging buddy, The Life of Jamie has recently formed a nationally recognized university called, The University of Grocery Cart Management.  I was asked to come on as one of the faculty members offering a course  Parking Lot Navigation ( GCM 204) mainly for my recent research finding on parking lot navigation etiquette.  While preparing for this class, I came across an immediate reason for a  prerequisite class to GMC 204.  This course will be offered immediately and is titled, Get Your Head Out of Your Gluteus Maximus and READ the Signs (GCM 204.a).

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Holiday Haiku

This is my first attempt at haiku!  I am starting a New Year’s Resolution of branching out in other forms of writing to challenge myself and was inspired by this one with the lady yelling at her mother on the phone while I was at the mall the other day.  Think this pretty much sums it up!

the holidays –

                           family time

                                         

                                                nails on chalkboard

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A Little Sap, Laughs, and Disco!

The Idiot posted a very lovely and touching post last week.  He has touched so many people, including myself, through the power of modern-day ink via cyber space .  He is not only HILARIOUS, he is a good friend and champion to many of us.  

He has expressed that he has his battles, and prevailing might I add, with the “D” word, yet he brings such joy and support to those that read him.  I feel he gives 100% of himself to his audience and his following is proof in that pudding.

I know that this is not much, but  I want to do something special for the Idiot to just say thank you for making us laugh, cry, snort our coffee out of our noses, hold our hands over our faces while at work, wet ourselves,  and most of all just have a good old belly laugh, stomach pains and all! 

 I noticed I have not seen much of his beloved DISCO go viral on his blog lately, so I am dedicating this song to the Idiot! It is the most fitting disco song I could find to fit his mold (for the record, this is one of the very few disco songs that can coax me onto the dance floor with out much booze or pushing – gotta love this song!).  Thank you Idiot,  for the sap, the laughs and the disco!

Last order of business before singing off, I was published again via Blissfully Domestic.  Please check it out and support a starving writer (I even did my own photography)!

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Top Ten Reasons Why Cyber Monday is Better than Black Friday!

Well, I am back, and Top Ten Tuesday’s will be kicked back into gear with one of my favorite holiday past times, Cyber Mondays!  Thanks to the Idiot, he was the inspiration of this post.  My experience was a polar opposite of his. There were no error messages or having to toss the computer around.  However, there was a ton of chain-smoking and caffeine involved!

Need I Say More?

Black Friday- Really People Enjoy This?Need I Say More?

                                                                                                                                               VS.

Nothing but a Zen Moment!

10.  No one has to get up after eating turkey the day prior at some ungodly hour (2 am) and have to load up on a huge amount to of caffeine to try to counter act the tryptophan effect!

9.  You are not having to stand obscenely close to strangers that smell funny.  Trust me, what Thanksgiving meals do to some people should never be relived, especially in a “boob to back line”!

8.  You get to stay home in the comfort of your jammies and look stupid doing it, but no one cares.  Seriously people! If you have time to put make up on, you have time to put some friggin’ normal clothes on! Jammies only look cute on 2 year olds, not middle-aged women.

7. The only risk of injury is carpel tunnel, not being trampled to death by an obsessive mob wanting the one of three dancing Mickey Mouse dolls, that will only drive you crazy after the first hour of the box being opened.

6. Coffee always tastes better at home.

5. I can be at my favorite ten stores at the same time!

4. I can yell at my kids with “Leave Mommy alone, go play!” and, ” Don’t bother me, Mommy is shopping right now!” without anyone giving me the evil eye of my bad parenting moment.

3. I don’t have to worry about the risk of my kiddos finding out  what “Santa” gets them. It comes to my door in a box and goes straight to the attic until Christmas Eve wrap-a-thone!

2. I am guaranteed not having to schlep all the gifts for out-of-town friends and family to the post office, stand in line for most of the holiday season and pay an enormous shipping fee.  With one click of the mouse that whole experience fades away and it is always free shipping!

1.  The only holiday season a–holes I have to deal with are the over exhausted, but very attractive UPS/FED EX drivers, which a plate of cookies and bottled water  remedies any ill feeling towards my address.

Happy holidays to all your fantastic blog buddies!

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I have been Tagged By the Idiot with the Hubs Help!

Well for all of those faithful bloggers that get suckered in each day to read me, the Idiot decided to start showcasing some of his blog buddies via their spouses.  I was hit late Tuesday night.  Click here for the dish the hubs gave on me.  The hubs actually surprised me on his writing skills.  

🙂

Getting To Know Missss Viiitttoooo Better (Courtesy of Mr. Vito)

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The Kid 1 + The Kid 2 = 2 Petri Dishes

If you have been reading my blog, (there is about four of you – thank you!) you have noticed that I have been using the words “petri dish” a lot.  One thing I have noticed while reading other fellow bloggers is that they give their kids and spouses nicknames to “protect the innocent”.   Perpetually Peeved named her kids “Smalls” and and “Biggie”  Conflicted Mean Girl named her kid “Boogie”, both are two blogging moms I like.  

In that spirit I decided that my two blessed children, who are ages one and two, will be given the names of Petri Dish 1 (PD1) and Petri Dish 2 (PD2).  I know that is not as creative as some of my counter parts, but when the shoe fits wear it!    Two weeks ago we started  a week mommy and me school once a week and since then we have been under attack of a bad cold, bronchitis, and sinus infections. Currently in Camp Pie Hole the invasion of the “petri dish” continues!  We are now under the attack of a possible positive strep culture from PD 2 (we will find out the results this afternoon) which means PD1  more that likely will follow suit. 

Those that know me well, knows I have the tolerance for germs the way either side has on the Gaza Strip has for each other.  So when Camp Pie Hole is under attack of unwanted germs, I have my arsenal of Clorox products working in full force; thank God for Costco!   My hands are chapped and dried out do to the overuse of the product.  For some reason I think that I can rewind the infestation of what the little slimy petri dish hands brought to the table, chairs, walls, couches, toys and etc.  It drives the hubs crazy, but he knows just to let me obsess rather than try to intervene since I may start wiping him down with Clorox wipes. 

It is only the beginning of Cold and Flu season, it is going to be a long fall and winter and I should probably buy stock in Clorox.

(1??lbs – too sick to care to check the weight, even though I know I have lost some, check back tomorrow.)

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Top Ten Reasons Why Mothers Should Be Exempt from Sickness

The  inspiration behind this Top Ten Tuesday was being haul up for 4-days with the first really bad flu/cold I have had in 3 years!

10.  Even though the hubs tries hard to be helpful, you know that when you surface you will have a mess to contend with.

9.    The laundry does not get done.

8.   The house does not get clean.

7.  Motherhood equals instant  immunity to NyQuil (seriously it no longer works for me and I check the expiration date!)

6.  If the kids are sick you are really screwed.

5.  The kids develop diaper rash since you can’t smell the deposit.

4.  Being hauled up in bed with a remote with a 102 degree fever, chills, sore throat and can’t breath is not my idea of rest. Who wants to watch TV when their head is about to explode and they think they are about to die?

3.  No one wants to come and help out for the fear of catching the plague too!

2.  Mommy’s can’t truly call in sick.

1.  It is just days away of the hubs showing signs and symptoms of him catching this and the world that we know it will be over!

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Four Days of Outdoor Adventure Fodder!

In the spirit of this being the last summer holiday weekend when many are packing up their cars, RVs, trailers, backpacks and coolers to set out for one last hurrah, I want to celebrate the close of yet another summer with some outdoor adventure fodder!  After each post, feel free to share with me any of your adventures or misfits with the great outdoors; amusement and misery always loves company!

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Morning Yoga and a Bear

 

The hubs and I have a love for the great outdoors, while many go to beach resorts to reconnect, we rather reconnect sleeping on the cold hard ground, have no toilet facilities or very primitive ones, enjoy the taste of dirt with every bite during meals and push our bodies to the extreme level climbing mountains.  Of course this would bring anyone closer!  The feeling you are going to die any moment, regardless if you are sleeping in a tent or scaling a 18 inch ledge 3,000 feet up, would definitely wake anyone up to noticing your spouse.  These experiences just brings us closer and gives us a totally appreciation of clean sheets, the fizz of soda, warm showers and an evening with the boob tube!

On one of our very first adventures as a couple, we decided to hike to Half Dome in Yosemite and then climb it.  Since it makes for a very long day, most that do this camp out the night before and the night after.  We found a campsite about a 40 minute car ride to the trail head that was set back in a very remote area outside of the park.  If you have ever been to Yosemite you would understand that they have a bear problem, a seriously bad bear problem.   The camp host said that he had not seen a bear in this particular area in years, but that did not rule out the possibility of one wandering through the grounds at any given time. 

Around 4:45 am, I woke the hubs up telling him I had to go to the bathroom and would he come with me.  He could have been resembled as a bear with his grouchy response, ” I told you not to drink any water before bed, you are on your own!”  I tried to explain to him that I left my glasses at home and I can’t see, so I needed him to guide me to the outhouse – I am literally blind without my glasses or contacts.  He just mumbled something obnoxious and turned over.  I laid there for a while seeing if I could hold it and the stream running right next to our campsite was not helping that situation.

I finally grab the flash light and proceeded to head out into the darkness. As I was leaving the tent I head the him call out chuckling, “Watch out for bears!”  I just rolled my eyes and headed out into the darkness towards the direction of my relief. 

I was kidding myself, I could not see a thing even with the flash light .  Using the solar-powered light attached to the outhouse as a guide, I stumbled along the walkway.  I was just about 20 feet away from the bathroom when all of a sudden something appeared in the shadows from behind it.  It was tall, big, black and about 50 feet away from me.  I froze, shut off my flash light and reached my arms in the sky and stood as tall as I could.  I remembered that  is what you are supposed to do when you see a bear.  It kept coming towards me, my heart was nearly beating out of my chest, I was sweating profusely and sick to my stomach.  “This is it”, I was thinking “When it hits me, just play dead”.  The black image is now at the outhouse and it stops, turns to me and says, “Good Morning, aren’t the stars just amazing!”

I am still frozen in the “bear is going to eat me” pose and I numbly reply, “Yes, I love doing Yoga this time in the morning!”  He laughed and headed into the bathroom.  I then checked myself to see if the contents of my bladder let loose in my fright. Then the sudden feeling of total embarrassment flushed all over me.  What a friggin’ idiot I must have looked like!

To this day I wonder what that guy truly thought when he saw this terrified woman, eyes screwed shut, and stretching herself  out like she was Gumby at 5:00 in the morning.   After I told the hubs of my near miss adventure, he howled out of laughter and for the rest of the day he steered clear from me anytime we were near any type of sheer drop off.  Smart man!  (161)

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Ode to Gymboree!

I love Gymboree! I shop you like you are free!

I can shop you at home, so I don’t have to use a comb.

While sipping on my tea!

You have all that I want and you do nothing but taunt.

I love when your shipping is free!

It can be bad when my husband gets mad

When I say with Gymbucks it was free!

I get all warm and pinkie when I dress the girls like Twinkies.

It is fun for all who look to see!

UPS knows my name asks what is so special in the box that is always the same.

I say it is Gymboree you should get some yourself and it will bring you glee!

Once in a while I drive a mile.

To your store the girls and me.

You have entertainment for my little crew and little chairs that fit them too!

This makes my time very carefree!

I fear the day when no they will say.

They day the girls are taller than me!

Oh how I love you Gymboree I will do my part and treat you like art.

Keeping the girls looking sharp is my key.

I will follow your every line and make many pieces mine.

Oh the joy you bring me!

My addiction to you comes with a great cost, but without you I would be lost!

So for now to feed the need I will readily pay the needed fee!

(161)

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