OK blog buddies it has been way too serious for a while (which has been wonderful) but I need your help and I have to use humor behind this request because it is so bizarre of a task that Lord knows is the only way I can convey my request of your assistance is with a bit of humor. Call it dark humor, call it I need therapy humor, call it anything, I just need help! Frolicking Lady can straighten me out later!
My grandmother passed away a year ago this month. Thus far the family has pretty much dissolved the estate and properties EXCEPT for two last pieces of property. I have taken on this last task solo and it is a bit odd. Never in a million years would I of ever thought would be selling this kind of property.
This is where you guys come in! I need suggestions, humor, advise, more humor, maybe a potential buyer and more humor to get this job done. What I am selling is an all-inclusive resort that caters to the final resting place for two. Yes, I did draw the shortest straw at the last family meeting, thank you!
Apparently, my great-grandmother bought these and the ones my grandparents are resting in back in the early 60’s, not sure why she and my great-grandfather were not place there, but they were not. None of the present family wants to take up valuable Southern California Real Estate, so here I am having to sell two six feet under properties.
The views are amazing for those visiting so that could be a tag line… is that even appropriate to put as advertising? It is also placed in an exclusive Jewish section of the grounds, which is amusing since none of my family is Jewish, but I think it is neat. I think it could add a whole other layer of desirability of being laid to rest among God’s chosen people. My poor grandmother is rolling over in her plot just down a few rows, but I think it is poetic justice. She was a mean old bird with plenty of prejudice . . . I digress.
Now I thought of posting this on Craigslist and then I thought how creepy would that be to arrange a showing of the plots to some possible psycho that plans on turning me into a lamp shade and then using that exact site to get rid of the evidence. I did think of Ebay, but really, that is weird and I think I would have the police at my door wondering what I was up to. I am too cheap to put an ad in the paper,so that option is out and then again I am faced with the same Craigslist psycho dilemma again. I have called a few funeral homes and apparently there is some secret cemetery real estate society that only deals with their designated “plot brokers”. Side note- if you find yourself in a job with the title “Plot Broker” you must have made some seriously wrong turns along the way or you are one odd duck. Please, no offence to anyone that may be gainfully employed by this profession and reading this, just an observation that I could clearly be wrong in…. maybe?
Now the amazing part is that these puppies are worth a fortune! They range about 17-20k a pair or 7-8k for a single plot. I would have never guessed that there was so much money to be made from the cemetery real estate market.
If you are reading this and have not been completely turned off by the way I use humor to deal with difficult things, I could really use your help and humor, mostly humor. I will stop digging my self in a hole… wait… burying myself in embarrassment… wait. . . shooting myself in the foot… oh heck I just need friggin’ help please! Now how in the world am I going to tag this post without getting flagged as some crazy person on WordPress and they block my blog page?
A Piece of the Pie Hole 
Oh this is a big task … gosh! All I can think of is when we were looking for a funeral home to take care of arrangements when my mother-in-law passed away 11 years ago, we seriously came across an ad in the yellow pages that read: “XYZ Funeral Home. The last people to let you down.”
No help, I know…
Sunshine xx
Sunshine in London: Thanks, maybe I should still let my fingers still do the walking and I will find a some funeral home that would be takers.
Wow…I can’t believe that cemetery plots could be so expensive! Plot Broker sounds like a terrible job, but I would wager that the get rich off of the commissions they charge for these high-priced plots. Holy cow…what a racket!
My local news paper allows some free ads, just so long as they are under a certain amount of words. It could be that your local paper newspapers have a similar feature?
Also, many of the supermarkets around here have bulletin boards where people can post things for sale…no charge. You never know who stops and looks at those, and what kind of bites you may get.
Something else to consider is that you could put a bug in the ear of whomever is in charge of the local
Synagog. Perhaps there’s a nice Jewish couple looking for some plots in that cemetery?
I apologize for the lack of anything resembling humor…I haven’t had any coffee yet this morning, and I’ve just got two lonely brain cells rubbing together to generate heat in my brain pan thus far today. I wish you lots of luck!!!
Sparrow
Sparrow: I am going to try the Synagogue approach, Great Idea If this or any other suggestions get me a sale, I will spread the celebration by sending whoever got me the sale a bottle of spirits (no pun intended) of their choice… I am being serious. Free booze is always a great reward!
I think you should go with something mysterious, like implying that someone famous was buried there quietly and anonymously 40 years ago. Like Hoffa.
“I can not confirm or deny that Hoffa is in fact buried here, yet our family’s quarrel with the Hoffas did come to a complete halt with his disappearance.”
Hey, that may work! I need to check the star and mob power at this cemetery. Hey, maybe some sweet couple from Flint, Michigan would want to never have to deal with the deep freeze and be in a warm climate among celebs…
Which would also explain why your Great Grandparents were buried elsewhere… Hmmmmmm…
Good point!
Gee….Using humor in difficult situations….I have NEVER met anyone who does that!!…… 🙂 ………… So, you got stuck with the Beetlejuice responsibilities huh? Ouch! This is exactly why I want to be cremated and then dumped off a ski lift! That way, no relative will end up with the wonderful chore you now face. Personally, I would play up the Jewish section of the cemetary angle….. Print up some nice flyers with photos and then stand outside local synagogues as the services are letting out….smiling…and handed out the flyers while saying “Shalo….just in case!”…”Shalom..just in case”…..to everybody that files past you! 🙂
Ok, you and Sparrow may be on to something. Good thing the local Synagogue is down the hill from me, next to the place I get my peti from… that could be killing two birds with one stone… If this works you and Sparrow get the spirits (again no pun inteneded) of choice!
SALES NOTICE:
LIG IN DRERD!
(which is Yiddish slang for ‘Drop Dead!’ but, literally translates to bury yourself. That is your attention getting title.)
Looking for a Chanukah gift for you mother-in-law? Does she think you’re a schnorrer? Prove her wrong! Here is your chance to buy (at a bargain) two pieces of prime Southern Californian real-estate. Roughly 100 square feet and six feet deep! You can purchase the full set and your mother & father-in-law can rest in peace together, side-by-side for all eternity. Or do a mitzvah for your father-in-law and just buy the one… for your mother-in-law.
Nu, it’s a good idea!
Contact me: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Brilliant! Thank you! If this works I can add some more booze to your cereal cupboard:-)
Did you try to sell them back to the cemetary? I can’t believe that you don’t want to rest in peace with your loved ones pie hole…why? Why??? 🙂
They deal with brokers too. Ugg.. Nope, we want to be cremated and the hubs wants to just go with EJ Harrison Trash Service, I want to swim with the fishes in the ocean. 🙂
LOJ: I so know you get it…:-)
You could always camp out there, wait til the people that own the plots next to it come around for a visit and try to sell it to them. 🙂
PP: Yes! Great idea! And while I am killing time doing that I could leave a note on each site around the plots as well!
Hey, Piece! I agree with above – contact temples and funeral homes who use that spot for services. Bless your heart – the strangest things – but I hope you get to keep the money!
This is my favorite post. I love dark humor. I also agree with the Jewish angle – great ideas. 🙂
FL: Thank you, yes I am a big fan of dark humor too, as you can tell! I have a call into the the Jewish community center… we will see!